On this day we remember the great turkey war of 1613.
When turkeys ran wild through the settlements terrorizing the children, setting fires, stealing shoes, hiding keys and putting empty cartons back in the fridge, You know, really sick shit.
Of course you won’t read about it in textbooks, but pilgrims and Indians banded together in efforts to end the turkey tyranny. The battles began, turning into full on a war, thousands were lost, on both sides. Finally one hero prevailed! Through the use of a revolutionary new weapon, the cannon. With such firepower on their side, the Indians and pilgrims were able to win back freedom for the human race. To celebrate their victory the Indians and pilgrims sat together over a turkey dinner and gave thanks that the nightmare was finally over. And since then we feast on turkey to keep their numbers under control.
Of course shortly after this victory the pilgrims became greedy and began plotting against their allies, but that is a different story.
So today, enjoy your freedom from the turkey tyrants and eat up.
Only you can keep their numbers down!